This goes out to EVERYONE i know... i am done. I am tired of people taking advantage of me. No longer am i going to be the one that "has" to invite people. If you want to show up, maybe communicate with us. GREAT IDEA that is, isnt it. Relationships are two way streets.
Another thing. If you make plans with me (which wont be happening anymore cause too many times it doesnt go thru cause of people being inconsiderate), dont "forget" about our plans. Dont say you want to go climbing with me and when i arrive to go, you are out eating with some friends. (its happened more than once!).
Im so tired of being there when people want me to be, and then when its time to return the favor, they dont care about how it makes me feel when the favor is not returned.
Stop making plans with me and then forgetting to let me know when you decide to cancel them.
Stop trying to cash in a rain check when i have class or school during that time.
Dont use my money, wait a month to return it, and have me come to you to pick it up.
Is anyone considerate anymore?!?! This is ridiculous... and the worst part, its all mainly coming from family. How awesome is that?!
im just so done.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
It Gets Better -
Something happened today. Something that is gonna make peoples lives hard for the next while. A beautiful woman took her life. A friend from back when no one had any cares; early junior high.
Some people get on the wrong path and cant get themselves back.. but this wasnt Syd. Syd came back. She was an amazing person.
I havent seen or talked to her in many years. Im not trying to make people think that im one of those "fake" friends that pretends to care only after the person is gone.
It does hurt my cousin tho. They danced together for many years. They were friends always. So, it hurts me because i know that she is hurting.
Something happened today. Something that i will never be able to understand. A selfish act; one that makes you realize just how selfish you, yourself, have been. We are all wrapped up in our own lives that we cant recognize when someone is in need.
"But she always seemed so happy" - Thats what i have heard everyone say so far today, including myself. Thats what hit me. We need to go out of our way to make sure the people we love and care about are truly happy; not just seem happy.
My friends are hurting now, because their friend hurt bad enough to take her own life. I just ask you this one thing, if youre hurting, talk to me, or anyone for that matter. I love and care about you. I never want to imagine any of you not being with me.
You dont have to be strong all the time. You just have to be strong enough to ask for help.
I love you all.
And Syd. I know youwere loved are loved. I feel so sorry that you hurt so bad. I only hope that it is gone now, the pain. I hope you will guide your friends here on earth and be with them now, because i know they are going to need you.
Some people get on the wrong path and cant get themselves back.. but this wasnt Syd. Syd came back. She was an amazing person.
I havent seen or talked to her in many years. Im not trying to make people think that im one of those "fake" friends that pretends to care only after the person is gone.
It does hurt my cousin tho. They danced together for many years. They were friends always. So, it hurts me because i know that she is hurting.
Something happened today. Something that i will never be able to understand. A selfish act; one that makes you realize just how selfish you, yourself, have been. We are all wrapped up in our own lives that we cant recognize when someone is in need.
"But she always seemed so happy" - Thats what i have heard everyone say so far today, including myself. Thats what hit me. We need to go out of our way to make sure the people we love and care about are truly happy; not just seem happy.
My friends are hurting now, because their friend hurt bad enough to take her own life. I just ask you this one thing, if youre hurting, talk to me, or anyone for that matter. I love and care about you. I never want to imagine any of you not being with me.
You dont have to be strong all the time. You just have to be strong enough to ask for help.
I love you all.
And Syd. I know you
Monday, February 4, 2013
Lists
"not every workout has to be your best work out." - mark.
I have to tell myself this quote so often lately. Im feeling weak. My red blood cell count is lower than most peoples' (because i dont eat meat and im a girl), which means that oxygen isnt being carried as much as it should be.
I know that is just an excuse, cause i can change it... just take iron pills.
so. thats what this post is about; change.
Wish me luck :)
I have to tell myself this quote so often lately. Im feeling weak. My red blood cell count is lower than most peoples' (because i dont eat meat and im a girl), which means that oxygen isnt being carried as much as it should be.
I know that is just an excuse, cause i can change it... just take iron pills.
so. thats what this post is about; change.
- take iron pills
- keep a workout journal
- keep a workout journal for my mom
- check canvas everyday
- read more of my text books
- keeping my room clean (not just the kitchen)
- accept more dates
- go out with friends more often
- wake up early for class everyday
- control my anger issues
Wish me luck :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
School -
What i have gotten out of this semester so far....
1. There is this cute boy in my testing and prescriptions class..
He looks like Chris Evans.
2. I like to imagine cute boy from #1 has the body of Chris Evans as well.
Daydream in class.
3. I enjoy talking to cute boy from #1 and #2.
Its not really a secret. Im sure the kid that sits in between us can tell.
.... Whew. Thats about it. Hope it didnt bore you too bad.
1. There is this cute boy in my testing and prescriptions class..
He looks like Chris Evans.
2. I like to imagine cute boy from #1 has the body of Chris Evans as well.
Daydream in class.
3. I enjoy talking to cute boy from #1 and #2.
Its not really a secret. Im sure the kid that sits in between us can tell.
.... Whew. Thats about it. Hope it didnt bore you too bad.
Cause that's what brothers are for...
Today I am thankful for Devin.
I was tired after school, and just wanted to sleep. He pushed me until I was annoyed enough. Because of him, I made it to the gym today. HOOORAHHH!!
Cheers. To Devin!!
I was tired after school, and just wanted to sleep. He pushed me until I was annoyed enough. Because of him, I made it to the gym today. HOOORAHHH!!
Cheers. To Devin!!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Given the Chance -
Lets be clear, this song is completely retarded. No woman needs a man to live.
But we sometimes want one.
Sometimes when we lose one, we feel like we arent living to our full happy potential.
I should have just called it like i saw it. I should have just called for help, and ran like hell that day. The burn and the sting and the high and the heat and the left-me-wanting-more-feeling when he kissed me. I should have just called him whiskey. Now the numb has set in; he's gone like the wind, and i can barely feel the pain.
I knew youre heart was already stolen.. I figured it out myself. Thats the day i should have ran. I was just wishing i had a chance still.... but i never did; from the moment you laid eyes on my smile, we were destined to be a mess.
She is lucky, you know... That she has all your love.
But just like i never had a chance, neither did you. She never had the chance to break your heart, or make things happen. She ruined you this way. She will forever be perfect in your eyes, because she has never done anything to truly hurt you.
You have waited for four years. Four. Thats what motivates me to get out of bed. To keep my eyes on the road. To put on that god-awful fake smile that i hate. Cause now, i am right where you are.
I hope you get her one day. I really do. If not for you to finally be happy, then for me to actually get my shot....
You got a cousin whose telling you something that doesnt have nothing to do with the loving that we're in, baby.I hear she's saying this game we're playing should be complicated; if you wont, ill say it, i think she's crazy. Cause love dont have to be a bunch of drama, bunch of knocked-down, drag-outs crying in the rain. Its alright to keep it light now mama dont you think? And we're having such a good time together, and its only just begun. My hearts never smiled so hard baby. Loving you is fun.
You made me go from feeling as happy as that, to this...
I could tell that it was over when her lips met mine. there was an emptiness in her voice, hestation when she smiled. She didnt have to say a word, it was just so plain to see........ I saw goodbye in her eyes.
And yet, for me, i dont see it being over.
There are only two things i regret; opening my mouth and ruining what was a close to perfect as i was ever gonna get with you, and not kissing you goodbye. If i could go back in time, I really would change those two things. Then maybe you would talk to me...
He and I had something beautiful, but so dysfunctional, it couldnt last. I loved him so, but i let him go, cause i knew he'd never love me back. Such pain as this shouldnt have to be experienced. Im still realling from the loss, still a little bit delirious.
Everything thing i see, hear, smell, and even feel makes me want to be with you. I want to trace your farmer's tan around those big arms. I want to take in the meaning of those three beautiful tattoos. I want to kiss those yummy lips, squeeze that cute bum, play with your hair, be tickled by you, and cuddle with you. Even the day that i over-reacted and ruined everything, I still just wanted to be in your arms. Its hard to be strong right now. Its hard to be "just friends"... cause i want to tell you everything about my day. I want to show you the things that make my heart smile. (I have said this before in a blog post... But) i have a habit of falling for friends. So, yeah, we can be "just friends" but just know, that wont stop anything.
Loving him is like driving a new maserati down a dead end street; faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ended so suddenly.
Loving him is like trying to change your mind once youre already flying thru the freefall.
Like the colors in autumn so bright, just before they lose it all.
Losing him was blue like i've never known.
Missing him was dark grey, all alone.
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met.
But loving him was red.
Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you.
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song.
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there is no right answer.
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out love could be that strong.
Losing him was blue like i've never known.
Missing him was dark grey, all alone.
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met.
But loving him was red.
Burning red.
Remembering him comes in flashbacks.
In echoes.
Tell myself its time now.
Gotta let go.
But moving on from him is impossible and i still see it all in my head.
Burning red.
So whats the secret to getting over you??
If you made it through this whole thing, I guess this is my way of asking for help. I dont know how else to tell people that it is a fake smile.
I realize i am being a girl... but he likes girls.
But we sometimes want one.
Sometimes when we lose one, we feel like we arent living to our full happy potential.
I should have just called it like i saw it. I should have just called for help, and ran like hell that day. The burn and the sting and the high and the heat and the left-me-wanting-more-feeling when he kissed me. I should have just called him whiskey. Now the numb has set in; he's gone like the wind, and i can barely feel the pain.
I knew youre heart was already stolen.. I figured it out myself. Thats the day i should have ran. I was just wishing i had a chance still.... but i never did; from the moment you laid eyes on my smile, we were destined to be a mess.
She is lucky, you know... That she has all your love.
But just like i never had a chance, neither did you. She never had the chance to break your heart, or make things happen. She ruined you this way. She will forever be perfect in your eyes, because she has never done anything to truly hurt you.
You have waited for four years. Four. Thats what motivates me to get out of bed. To keep my eyes on the road. To put on that god-awful fake smile that i hate. Cause now, i am right where you are.
I hope you get her one day. I really do. If not for you to finally be happy, then for me to actually get my shot....
You got a cousin whose telling you something that doesnt have nothing to do with the loving that we're in, baby.I hear she's saying this game we're playing should be complicated; if you wont, ill say it, i think she's crazy. Cause love dont have to be a bunch of drama, bunch of knocked-down, drag-outs crying in the rain. Its alright to keep it light now mama dont you think? And we're having such a good time together, and its only just begun. My hearts never smiled so hard baby. Loving you is fun.
You made me go from feeling as happy as that, to this...
I could tell that it was over when her lips met mine. there was an emptiness in her voice, hestation when she smiled. She didnt have to say a word, it was just so plain to see........ I saw goodbye in her eyes.
And yet, for me, i dont see it being over.
There are only two things i regret; opening my mouth and ruining what was a close to perfect as i was ever gonna get with you, and not kissing you goodbye. If i could go back in time, I really would change those two things. Then maybe you would talk to me...
He and I had something beautiful, but so dysfunctional, it couldnt last. I loved him so, but i let him go, cause i knew he'd never love me back. Such pain as this shouldnt have to be experienced. Im still realling from the loss, still a little bit delirious.
Everything thing i see, hear, smell, and even feel makes me want to be with you. I want to trace your farmer's tan around those big arms. I want to take in the meaning of those three beautiful tattoos. I want to kiss those yummy lips, squeeze that cute bum, play with your hair, be tickled by you, and cuddle with you. Even the day that i over-reacted and ruined everything, I still just wanted to be in your arms. Its hard to be strong right now. Its hard to be "just friends"... cause i want to tell you everything about my day. I want to show you the things that make my heart smile. (I have said this before in a blog post... But) i have a habit of falling for friends. So, yeah, we can be "just friends" but just know, that wont stop anything.
Loving him is like driving a new maserati down a dead end street; faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ended so suddenly.
Loving him is like trying to change your mind once youre already flying thru the freefall.
Like the colors in autumn so bright, just before they lose it all.
Losing him was blue like i've never known.
Missing him was dark grey, all alone.
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met.
But loving him was red.
Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you.
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song.
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there is no right answer.
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out love could be that strong.
Losing him was blue like i've never known.
Missing him was dark grey, all alone.
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met.
But loving him was red.
Burning red.
Remembering him comes in flashbacks.
In echoes.
Tell myself its time now.
Gotta let go.
But moving on from him is impossible and i still see it all in my head.
Burning red.
So whats the secret to getting over you??
If you made it through this whole thing, I guess this is my way of asking for help. I dont know how else to tell people that it is a fake smile.
I realize i am being a girl... but he likes girls.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Until Finals
I could cry right now. I have spent days upon days doing homework and getting ready for finals.
Everything is complete as of right now, and I still have a week left.
I've never been so proud of myself. I worked my butt off this semester, and I really hope that my grades show it.
Relax.
Everything is complete as of right now, and I still have a week left.
I've never been so proud of myself. I worked my butt off this semester, and I really hope that my grades show it.
Relax.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Elko Life -
This guy. He is a gem. A precious gem.
Friday - I arrive. I kiss him. This continues. Then dinner with him and my [elko] family. Then watching my cousin's volleyball game with him holding my hand.
Saturday - Cook him dinner. Watch him play skyrim. I got sick :( . He takes care of me and cuddles with me on the floor. Makes me a shake to fill my tummy. He picks me up like a prince and carries me to the bed. Cuddles me more. Helps me build a fort and we watched South Park all night.
Sunday - Shooting. Dinner at our favorite mexican place. Movie. Jenna Marbles.
Monday - Kiss those perfect lips goodbye. And the non-stop texting begins again.
Friday - I arrive. I kiss him. This continues. Then dinner with him and my [elko] family. Then watching my cousin's volleyball game with him holding my hand.
Saturday - Cook him dinner. Watch him play skyrim. I got sick :( . He takes care of me and cuddles with me on the floor. Makes me a shake to fill my tummy. He picks me up like a prince and carries me to the bed. Cuddles me more. Helps me build a fort and we watched South Park all night.
Sunday - Shooting. Dinner at our favorite mexican place. Movie. Jenna Marbles.
Monday - Kiss those perfect lips goodbye. And the non-stop texting begins again.
His shirt. His hat. MMM.
Yes. He is flipping me off. Watch video to understand.
A fine Elko sunset.
Hannah had me try on her costume. HAHAHA
He is camera shy. Shhh. HAHA this is where he starts giving me the bird.
Im in trouble guys. He is my trouble. :)
Always -
I'm always thinking about you. Few people will understand who you are, but its true. Talking to you, even when i hated you, was nothing shy of what i always wanted. I dont text you now because I keep telling myself you are healing. I have no to right to get in the way of such a difficult thing. Just... I do miss you. I hope you lead a good life. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I love you; I always will.
Always.
<3 / Candace.
[Sorry for those who dont care to read this. I just needed proof that I dont have a black heart.]
Always.
<3 / Candace.
[Sorry for those who dont care to read this. I just needed proof that I dont have a black heart.]
Monday, October 29, 2012
Feel it -
I have always been the girl to use her head before she will dare use her heart....
have i missed out because of it??
Sadness/Anger/Fear - I dont let myself feel emotion when it comes to people's health. I use my logic; how can i better the situation? I have always had a little interest in medicine, so i did a CNA class, got my first aid certification, worked in a nursing home, etc. So when my aunt got sick last year, every time i felt like crying or screaming about the unfairness of it all, i would simply hold it back and use my brain to think of how to help. Only once did i ever fall apart and that was just because i was trying to comfort someone else who had fallen.
Relaxation - I am incapable of relaxing. I am always thinking of things that need to be done. And to top it off, i have ADD. In yoga, at the end (forgive me for not caring to know the correct term) when you are just supposed to relax and clear your mind... yeah.. i cant actually do that. its just not possible.
Dependant - I got sick this last weekend. I cried in his arms because i didnt want to feel gross and have to cancel plans and have him cook me dinner and etc. I kept trying to get up and do things. Why cant i let people do nice things for me??
Happiness/Love - This one is my favorite. I have never jumped into a relationship without thinking thru every little thing first. I hear cute stories about how people knew they were in love after only a couple weeks together; i actually get a little jealous. Why cant i jump and hope to fly?? why is it always "wow.. i am so in lo- no im not.. im too young for that"
So, I want to feel.
I want to scream in a pillow (cause my aunt is sick again). I want to cry in a thunderstorm (cause its either she gets worse or they move farther away from me). I want to let the little doubts in (not always be so strong). I want to sit in bed and not think (cause this homework, work, and school thing is driving me insane). I want to have breakfast, lunch, and dinner made for me (cause his food tastes so good). I want to smile (cause he makes me feel so giddy).
I want to fall so madly in love (even if he doesnt love me back).
why do we all have to be so strong all the time? Maybe we should give our minds a break and let the heart do its thing??
have i missed out because of it??
Sadness/Anger/Fear - I dont let myself feel emotion when it comes to people's health. I use my logic; how can i better the situation? I have always had a little interest in medicine, so i did a CNA class, got my first aid certification, worked in a nursing home, etc. So when my aunt got sick last year, every time i felt like crying or screaming about the unfairness of it all, i would simply hold it back and use my brain to think of how to help. Only once did i ever fall apart and that was just because i was trying to comfort someone else who had fallen.
Relaxation - I am incapable of relaxing. I am always thinking of things that need to be done. And to top it off, i have ADD. In yoga, at the end (forgive me for not caring to know the correct term) when you are just supposed to relax and clear your mind... yeah.. i cant actually do that. its just not possible.
Dependant - I got sick this last weekend. I cried in his arms because i didnt want to feel gross and have to cancel plans and have him cook me dinner and etc. I kept trying to get up and do things. Why cant i let people do nice things for me??
Happiness/Love - This one is my favorite. I have never jumped into a relationship without thinking thru every little thing first. I hear cute stories about how people knew they were in love after only a couple weeks together; i actually get a little jealous. Why cant i jump and hope to fly?? why is it always "wow.. i am so in lo- no im not.. im too young for that"
So, I want to feel.
I want to scream in a pillow (cause my aunt is sick again). I want to cry in a thunderstorm (cause its either she gets worse or they move farther away from me). I want to let the little doubts in (not always be so strong). I want to sit in bed and not think (cause this homework, work, and school thing is driving me insane). I want to have breakfast, lunch, and dinner made for me (cause his food tastes so good). I want to smile (cause he makes me feel so giddy).
I want to fall so madly in love (even if he doesnt love me back).
why do we all have to be so strong all the time? Maybe we should give our minds a break and let the heart do its thing??
Elko-Life post to come
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Shout Outs -
Stolen from Kami...
Kami, Kimber, Tawni - I see you three more than I see my own brother. I dont know how horrible this sounds, but I wouldnt change that. I love working out with you Tawn; its one of my greatest highs. Kam, the fact that we cant even go a week without seeing each other, shows right there my love for you. And being able to talk to you, Kimber, about absolutely everything and anything is quite the blessing. I love you three so much, thank you for everything you do for me; even the things you dont realize are so big.
Devin and Brandon - You, my friend, are inexchangable. You are my best friend, and to some people a fiance, boyfriend, or husband. I love being able to call on you to go do anything, and youre always up for it. I love you!! (B, there is no getting out of the arranged marriage. Just get used to it)
Shena, Mikey, Corry, and Tyler - I love you guys. I love getting random texts and phone calls from you; they all mean so much. We have all grown so much and im so proud of who you all became. Best siblings a girl could ever ask for. Miss you.
Karoline - It doesnt matter whether its been 2 days or 2 months since we see each other, we are always there for each other.. A call at 2 in the morning and im there for you by 2:30 with ice cream (and you the same for me - the ice cream.. cause i dont like it haha). You are a gem, and i love you dearly.
Jerimiah - I wake up in the morning and look at my phone to see if you texted me while i was out. I fall asleep with my phone in my hand because I just cant seem to say goodbye to you ever. I light up when you text me, and feel like a complete loner when youre busy. Driving to Elko is always in the back of my mind. You make me smile. You make me laugh. Thank you.
Asher and Jake - I have loved seeing you guys this last week. It takes me back to old times. I love you both and hope to see even more of you.
Jiffy - We arent right for each other, and im sorry about that. Not only do i deserve better, but so do you. I will always have a spot for you in my heart, but its time that i stand up for myself and let myself be with someone that treats me the way i want to be treated.
Marnie - Missing you like crazy.
Kalin - I love how close we have gotten this last year. I honestly feel like you are one of my very best friends and I can talk to you about anything. Youre a stud. Love you.
Tarah - I think about going out to Elko all the time, and not even telling 'Miah that im out there, just so i can spend time with you. Anything is fun with you. I love how strong you are and how you are such happy person. Its like youre high on life. I wish you lived closer so i could see you on the daily. I miss you and love you... somethings never change.
Im sure i missed some people. Sorry if you feel left out. Just know that if youre in my life, i do love you. I dont let people in if im not comfortable enough with them. Thanks for all ya'll do for me.
Kami, Kimber, Tawni - I see you three more than I see my own brother. I dont know how horrible this sounds, but I wouldnt change that. I love working out with you Tawn; its one of my greatest highs. Kam, the fact that we cant even go a week without seeing each other, shows right there my love for you. And being able to talk to you, Kimber, about absolutely everything and anything is quite the blessing. I love you three so much, thank you for everything you do for me; even the things you dont realize are so big.
Devin and Brandon - You, my friend, are inexchangable. You are my best friend, and to some people a fiance, boyfriend, or husband. I love being able to call on you to go do anything, and youre always up for it. I love you!! (B, there is no getting out of the arranged marriage. Just get used to it)
Shena, Mikey, Corry, and Tyler - I love you guys. I love getting random texts and phone calls from you; they all mean so much. We have all grown so much and im so proud of who you all became. Best siblings a girl could ever ask for. Miss you.
Karoline - It doesnt matter whether its been 2 days or 2 months since we see each other, we are always there for each other.. A call at 2 in the morning and im there for you by 2:30 with ice cream (and you the same for me - the ice cream.. cause i dont like it haha). You are a gem, and i love you dearly.
Jerimiah - I wake up in the morning and look at my phone to see if you texted me while i was out. I fall asleep with my phone in my hand because I just cant seem to say goodbye to you ever. I light up when you text me, and feel like a complete loner when youre busy. Driving to Elko is always in the back of my mind. You make me smile. You make me laugh. Thank you.
Asher and Jake - I have loved seeing you guys this last week. It takes me back to old times. I love you both and hope to see even more of you.
Jiffy - We arent right for each other, and im sorry about that. Not only do i deserve better, but so do you. I will always have a spot for you in my heart, but its time that i stand up for myself and let myself be with someone that treats me the way i want to be treated.
Marnie - Missing you like crazy.
Kalin - I love how close we have gotten this last year. I honestly feel like you are one of my very best friends and I can talk to you about anything. Youre a stud. Love you.
Tarah - I think about going out to Elko all the time, and not even telling 'Miah that im out there, just so i can spend time with you. Anything is fun with you. I love how strong you are and how you are such happy person. Its like youre high on life. I wish you lived closer so i could see you on the daily. I miss you and love you... somethings never change.
Im sure i missed some people. Sorry if you feel left out. Just know that if youre in my life, i do love you. I dont let people in if im not comfortable enough with them. Thanks for all ya'll do for me.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
I've officially been welcomed -
Today was not such a good day.
Nothing horrible happened. No one did me wrong. Everyone I know and love is alive and well.
But today was not such a good day.
I was welcomed into the world of "average women" today. Now, I dont say that to sound mean or stuck up or spoiled. Those words actually come from a good friend of mine.
Have you ever started falling for someone, and find out that they dont plan to fall for you??
Well, I hadnt ever known that feeling until today. I have made others feel that way; so in a way, I got my karma. I tasted my own poison.
IT SUCKS
I had a summer romance. I always thought I wanted one, but never again will I be fooled like that. Note: I didnt want it to be just a summer romance. I wanted more.
There is no reason, he says, about why he isnt falling... He just isnt. I believe him. Its possible, like I said -my own poison- but i fell.
It was his fault even. I had my walls still up, and I was doing just fine. I was dating others and not thinking twice about it. Until that morning... That exact moment i woke up to him caressing my face. Running his finger over every line, scar, and lip. My walls came down, and I started to fall.
So, we still can date. Try for something more at another time. Remain good friends.... Do you know how hard it is to talk and act like your world didnt just come crashing down on you?? Its semi impossible. You walk around with a blank stare. You start tearing up at random times because you saw something you did together. You stay silent.
This is a first.
Maybe I'll thank God that I didnt get what I thought that I deserved one day.
Maybe one day I'll know why it couldnt have worked with us.
Maybe it wont hurt so much.
He treats me so good. He is so honest. It wasnt ever difficult.
This could be why it hurts so bad.
I'm just not wanted.
Those words -my words- kill.
Nothing horrible happened. No one did me wrong. Everyone I know and love is alive and well.
But today was not such a good day.
I was welcomed into the world of "average women" today. Now, I dont say that to sound mean or stuck up or spoiled. Those words actually come from a good friend of mine.
Have you ever started falling for someone, and find out that they dont plan to fall for you??
Well, I hadnt ever known that feeling until today. I have made others feel that way; so in a way, I got my karma. I tasted my own poison.
IT SUCKS
I had a summer romance. I always thought I wanted one, but never again will I be fooled like that. Note: I didnt want it to be just a summer romance. I wanted more.
There is no reason, he says, about why he isnt falling... He just isnt. I believe him. Its possible, like I said -my own poison- but i fell.
It was his fault even. I had my walls still up, and I was doing just fine. I was dating others and not thinking twice about it. Until that morning... That exact moment i woke up to him caressing my face. Running his finger over every line, scar, and lip. My walls came down, and I started to fall.
So, we still can date. Try for something more at another time. Remain good friends.... Do you know how hard it is to talk and act like your world didnt just come crashing down on you?? Its semi impossible. You walk around with a blank stare. You start tearing up at random times because you saw something you did together. You stay silent.
This is a first.
Maybe I'll thank God that I didnt get what I thought that I deserved one day.
Maybe one day I'll know why it couldnt have worked with us.
Maybe it wont hurt so much.
He treats me so good. He is so honest. It wasnt ever difficult.
This could be why it hurts so bad.
I'm just not wanted.
Those words -my words- kill.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Amateur to Avid
Summer is coming to an end. Its quite sad, but I couldnt be more excited for school to start!!! Associates, here I come!!
Of course, before I can officially let it end, I need to post about what an AMAZING 3 months i've had!!
Of course, before I can officially let it end, I need to post about what an AMAZING 3 months i've had!!
I stood for myself and ended things with a man that I fell hard for
I worked my tushy off! Paid off, I have gotten so many compliments and have never loved my body more. Truly went from amatuer to avid.
Partied in Vegas with my favorite boys and possibly my funniest friend Kat
Had a BLAST picking up my sister and nieces from Cali.
Basically living out in Elko for at least 1/2 the time.
Showed off my ninja moves in multiple games of softball! (Orbit - dirty mouth?? clean it up)
Had ongoing "sext" wars between Kami, Josue, and yes, even my mother.
Went on the annual Brinkerhoff Lake Powell trip. Fishing. Boating. Skinny dipping EVERY night!!
Read all three 50 Shade of Grey.
Enough said.
Wouldnt be true Utahns if we didnt float the Provo.
Got actually ready for the day a grand total of 3 times!! Gym clothes are just so much better!!
Went pole dancing with Kami, Ashley, Amy, and Tawni!!!
Loved perfection.
I had the most amazing summer. It was better than i could have asked for. I was truly single and dated every chance i got. I grew a little every day. I knew what true dedication felt like. I loved my precious nieces with all my heart. I got my boys back (even though two of them just left me again). I lived. I partied hard. I had lazy days. I gave second chances. I tried new things.
Summer of 2012 - Success!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)