Feel it -

I have always been the girl to use her head before she will dare use her heart....

have i missed out because of it??

Sadness/Anger/Fear - I dont let myself feel emotion when it comes to people's health. I use my logic; how can i better the situation? I have always had a little interest in medicine, so i did a CNA class, got my first aid certification, worked in a nursing home, etc. So when my aunt got sick last year, every time i felt like crying or screaming about the unfairness of it all, i would simply hold it back and use my brain to think of how to help. Only once did i ever fall apart and that was just because i was trying to comfort someone else who had fallen.

Relaxation - I am incapable of relaxing. I am always thinking of things that need to be done. And to top it off, i have ADD. In yoga, at the end (forgive me for not caring to know the correct term) when you are just supposed to relax and clear your mind... yeah.. i cant actually do that. its just not possible.

Dependant - I got sick this last weekend. I cried in his arms because i didnt want to feel gross and have to cancel plans and have him cook me dinner and etc. I kept trying to get up and do things. Why cant i let people do nice things for me??

Happiness/Love - This one is my favorite. I have never jumped into a relationship without thinking thru every little thing first. I hear cute stories about how people knew they were in love after only a couple weeks together; i actually get a little jealous. Why cant i jump and hope to fly?? why is it always "wow.. i am so in lo- no im not.. im too young for that"

So, I want to feel.

I want to scream in a pillow (cause my aunt is sick again). I want to cry in a thunderstorm (cause its either she gets worse or they move farther away from me). I want to let the little doubts in (not always be so strong). I want to sit in bed and not think (cause this homework, work, and school thing is driving me insane). I want to have breakfast, lunch, and dinner made for me (cause his food tastes so good). I want to smile (cause he makes me feel so giddy).

I want to fall so madly in love (even if he doesnt love me back).


why do we all have to be so strong all the time? Maybe we should give our minds a break and let the heart do its thing??

Elko-Life post to come



Shout Outs -

Stolen from Kami...

Kami, Kimber, Tawni - I see you three more than I see my own brother. I dont know how horrible this sounds, but I wouldnt change that. I love working out with you Tawn; its one of my greatest highs. Kam, the fact that we cant even go a week without seeing each other, shows right there my love for you. And being able to talk to you, Kimber, about absolutely everything and anything is quite the blessing. I love you three so much, thank you for everything you do for me; even the things you dont realize are so big.

Devin and Brandon - You, my friend, are inexchangable. You are my best friend, and to some people a fiance, boyfriend, or husband. I love being able to call on you to go do anything, and youre always up for it. I love you!! (B, there is no getting out of the arranged marriage. Just get used to it)

Shena, Mikey, Corry, and Tyler - I love you guys. I love getting random texts and phone calls from you; they all mean so much. We have all grown so much and im so proud of who you all became. Best siblings a girl could ever ask for. Miss you.

Karoline - It doesnt matter whether its been 2 days or 2 months since we see each other, we are always there for each other.. A call at 2 in the morning and im there for you by 2:30 with ice cream (and you the same for me - the ice cream.. cause i dont like it haha). You are a gem, and i love you dearly.

Jerimiah - I wake up in the morning and look at my phone to see if you texted me while i was out. I fall asleep with my phone in my hand because I just cant seem to say goodbye to you ever. I light up when you text me, and feel like a complete loner when youre busy. Driving to Elko is always in the back of my mind. You make me smile. You make me laugh. Thank you.

Asher and Jake - I have loved seeing you guys this last week. It takes me back to old times. I love you both and hope to see even more of you.

Jiffy - We arent right for each other, and im sorry about that. Not only do i deserve better, but so do you. I will always have a spot for you in my heart, but its time that i stand up for myself and let myself be with someone that treats me the way i want to be treated.

Marnie - Missing you like crazy.

Kalin - I love how close we have gotten this last year. I honestly feel like you are one of my very best friends and I can talk to you about anything. Youre a stud. Love you.

Tarah - I think about going out to Elko all the time, and not even telling 'Miah that im out there, just so i can spend time with you. Anything is fun with you. I love how strong you are and how you are such happy person. Its like youre high on life. I wish you lived closer so i could see you on the daily. I miss you and love you... somethings never change.

Im sure i missed some people. Sorry if you feel left out. Just know that if youre in my life, i do love you. I dont let people in if im not comfortable enough with them. Thanks for all ya'll do for me.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Oh, what I would give to go there!!

 

 

Just because...

 

 

Some funnies-

 

 

:) true bliss :)

I've officially been welcomed -

Today was not such a good day.
Nothing horrible happened. No one did me wrong. Everyone I know and love is alive and well.
But today was not such a good day.

I was welcomed into the world of "average women" today. Now, I dont say that to sound mean or stuck up or spoiled. Those words actually come from a good friend of mine.

Have you ever started falling for someone, and find out that they dont plan to fall for you??

Well, I hadnt ever known that feeling until today. I have made others feel that way; so in a way, I got my karma. I tasted my own poison.

IT SUCKS

I had a summer romance. I always thought I wanted one, but never again will I be fooled like that. Note: I didnt want it to be just a summer romance. I wanted more.

There is no reason, he says, about why he isnt falling... He just isnt. I believe him. Its possible, like I said -my own poison- but i fell.

It was his fault even. I had my walls still up, and I was doing just fine. I was dating others and not thinking twice about it. Until that morning... That exact moment i woke up to him caressing my face. Running his finger over every line, scar, and lip. My walls came down, and I started to fall.

So, we still can date. Try for something more at another time. Remain good friends.... Do you know how hard it is to talk and act like your world didnt just come crashing down on you?? Its semi impossible. You walk around with a blank stare. You start tearing up at random times because you saw something you did together. You stay silent.

This is a first.

Maybe I'll thank God that I didnt get what I thought that I deserved one day.
Maybe one day I'll know why it couldnt have worked with us.
Maybe it wont hurt so much.

He treats me so good. He is so honest. It wasnt ever difficult.
This could be why it hurts so bad.
I'm just not wanted.
Those words -my words- kill.

Amateur to Avid

Summer is coming to an end. Its quite sad, but I couldnt be more excited for school to start!!! Associates, here I come!!

Of course, before I can officially let it end, I need to post about what an AMAZING 3 months i've had!!

I stood for myself and ended things with a man that I fell hard for

 

I worked my tushy off! Paid off, I have gotten so many compliments and have never loved my body more. Truly went from amatuer to avid.

 

 

Partied in Vegas with my favorite boys and possibly my funniest friend Kat

 

 

 

 

Had a BLAST picking up my sister and nieces from Cali.

 

Basically living out in Elko for at least 1/2 the time.

 

Showed off my ninja moves in multiple games of softball! (Orbit - dirty mouth?? clean it up)

 

 

Had ongoing "sext" wars between Kami, Josue, and yes, even my mother.

 

 

 

Went on the annual Brinkerhoff Lake Powell trip. Fishing. Boating. Skinny dipping EVERY night!!

 

Read all three 50 Shade of Grey.

 

 

Enough said.

 

Wouldnt be true Utahns if we didnt float the Provo.

 

Got actually ready for the day a grand total of 3 times!! Gym clothes are just so much better!!

 

 

 

Went pole dancing with Kami, Ashley, Amy, and Tawni!!!

 

 

 

Loved perfection.

 

 

I had the most amazing summer. It was better than i could have asked for. I was truly single and dated every chance i got. I grew a little every day. I knew what true dedication felt like. I loved my precious nieces with all my heart. I got my boys back (even though two of them just left me again). I lived. I partied hard. I had lazy days. I gave second chances. I tried new things.

 

Summer of 2012 - Success!