*.-Wild Thinkings-.*: I Aint as Good as I'm Gonna Get, But I'm Better Than I Used to Be -

I aint no angel

I still got a few more dances with the devil

I'm cleaning up my act little by little

I'm getting there

I can finally stand the [girl] in the mirror I see

I aint as good as I'm gonna get

But I'm better than I used to be

I actually dedicated this song to someone else, but lately I have been realizing how much me, myself have grown. Mostly I have seen growth in my ways with men... a few examples are:

1. When I would go on trips or vacations, it was all about having fun and finding a guy to go crazy with. My first kiss was actually with a guy I had only known a week, but the scene was perfect for a first kiss. Little did I know, that was the start of my hussy life. A lot of the times even I would lead on a few guys and choose at the end of the week which one got the fun. As a lot of you know, I just got back from a week long cruise; I didnt even have the slightest desire to have a "one night stand-no strings attached" boy. You may think, well you just didnt have the option (like my mom actually said), but that wasnt it... I had a few men to choose from, but something in me just didnt think it was me anymore. In fact, when I found out who my brother was kissing on, all I thought about when I would see her is, "wow. such a hussy. you only knew the guy for less than 48 hours and you already have your tongue down his throat." I'm just not that party girl anymore I guess.

2. I'm the quitter when it comes to relationships. I always have been. Either I know things are about to get rough, so I bolt, or something in the relationship goes seriously down hill, and I bolt then too. Well, I havent grown out of that. I get scared, I've only said the L word to one boyfriend in my life, and even with him when things got hard I ran. I figure itll make things easier. For me at least. Anyways, after I would end the relationship, I would "seal the deal" by going to a party that night or within the week, and make out with basically anyone. I broke up with Jiffy TWICE and neither time I felt like the fun or right thing to do was go hooker myself out to ease the pain. In fact I cried like a normal girl would do and I went on with daily life as if almost nothing had changed.

This is someone that I'm not proud I used to be. Its actually hard looking back and seeing that kind of person. The person that changed me, knows it. They werent trying to do so, and didnt even know it until I informed them; it just happened. I still have things to work on. BUT I'm the happiest I have ever been with myself, and that is such a great feeling.

On that note, [since I dont plan to blog about the cruise] here are some pictures of the trip.