Saturday, August 20, 2011

Tomorrow - Yesterday - Today

I'm at the time in my life, when the most frequently asked question is, "what do you plan on doing with your life??" My normal response is that I am finishing up my associates at UVU; which isnt too much of an issue. The following question, though, is the one that brings fear into my heart EVERYTIME it is asked.. "Well, what do you plan to do after??"

Its no secret that I am afraid of the future.

I flinch at the thought of what to do after I finish college. I shiver at the idea of moving out and being on my own. I panic at the image of a family; getting married and/or having children. I quake when I try to imagine growing old. I quiver when I think of starting a career. Basically, anything you can think about the future, I am most likly scared of.

Just because I fear whats ahead, doesnt mean I like whats behind.

At least once a week, I re-live October 7, 2010.. its probably something I should talk to about with a professional(but I am timid of letting people know my deep feelings). Other memories that bring me down are those such as - seeing my luggage in an empty room, before I could ever even say goodbye to my aunt Tarah - prom my junior year (even though that was the best date of my life, it makes me sad to think about because of the break up that came later that year) - remembering the "prayer" that was basically just a threat to God when Breezy and Tawn got in their accident - the year my great-grandma died - anything that has brought real tears to my eyes.

Thats why I like to live in the moment.

I hate making plans. I live life day by day; one day at a time. Both looking ahead and looking behind make me uncomfortable, so I just think about what I am doing within the next hour or so. Sure, some people hate when I call last minute to hang out, but the people that really know me, know that its because I cant stand to make plans. Another reason I dont like making plans, though, is because I dont like to let people down; getting other's hopes up for something that may or may not turn out the way its supposed to. We all need to stop making plans and start living them..

~If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret~
~It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis~

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