Damn It -

Pardon my language, but damn it!!!

Today I watched Something Borrowed with my cousin Kami. If you havent seen the movie, its about these two best friends who have been together since childhood, and now they are in their thirties. One of the best friends, refers that friendship to "her first marraige." Throughout the movie, the single best friend tells the fiance of the other best friend that she has always liked him, and he feels the same way. They sneak around until the end when the marriage gets called off. The now newly single friend finds out about their little affair, and the best friends "get divorced."

This is the story of my "first marriage." It doesnt necessarily have to do with any affairs, but it does have to do with chosing a man, that your not even sure marriage is an option with, over your best friend.

The other day I was driving on my way up to Salt Lake. I was blasting the radio and singing along to all the songs.... I looked to my right at the passengers side, and my ex-best-friend wasnt sitting in that seat singing along with me. She wasnt next to me at the party up there, dancing with the same guy "on the count of three." I didnt have her there to have fake fist fights with. Lastly, she wasnt around to have a heart to heart with on the drive home.

When you lose someone, someone you love, it's honestly the hardest thing you could ever go through. And no matter how much time has passed, it never really goes away. You may think things are starting to get better, then all of a sudden a flashback comes to you, or you hear a song that reminds you of that person, and it hits you all over again. You start to fall apart for the hundredth time, and you're tired of feeling this way. It's almost as if you'd feel bad if you moved on.. but in reality, that person you lost only wants you to move on and be happy. Without happiness, it's hard to find love ourselves, and with that; causes it hard to love others. - Tiffanie Allen

One of the last lines between the two friends in the movie was from the friend that always gave everything to the other.. She would always come it second, just so the other friend could win. The line went something like, "I miss you... I think about you every day, and I'm so sorry" the winning friend says, "youre sorry you slept with my fiance?" and she replies with, "No. I'm sorry that I hurt you." That line is exactly the way I feel. every day I miss her and I feel sad and sorry.. not sorry that I called her out on things she needed to hear, but sorry that those things said, caused her enough pain that she turned her back on me and walked away for good.

Like I said....... Damn it!!